PS 3507 
.0745 
S7 
1911 
Copy 1 



xm:<3*xizx!W^ 



> R. viral Comedy 
i One Act 



i> 



SPRIGGINS' 

QUIET' 
ArTERNOON 

By HARRY M. DOTY 

§ Chatham, N. Y. 

s 

Price i5 Cents 



« 




isoifls' 'Ooier 




A Rural Play in One Act 



By HARRY M. DOTY 

Author of "In Old New England," "Sackett's Comer 
Folks," "The Jonesville Sewing Circle." 



AMATEUR PRODUCTION FREE. 



J. W. Darrow and H. M. Doty, Publisher; 
Chatham, N. Y. 



PRICE 15 CENTS 



Copyright, 1911 
Harrv M. Doty, Chatham, N. Y. 



P5 3507 
"74-557 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

John Spriggins, who thinks he needs a rest. 

Billy Spriggins, John 's son, who doesn *t care whether Sprig- 
gins rests or not. 

Cy. Hollister, the hired man, who hasn't time to rest. 

Sam Smalley, who wants Spriggins to swap work. 

Glib T. Alker, who knows how to sell books. 

Benoni Green, with something new in lightning rods. 

Jabez Crippen, who believes assault and battery sometimes 
justifiable. 

Mrs. Spriggins, who also thinks Spriggins needs a rest. 

Lucretia Gray, who believes the dominie needs a new buggy. 

Mary Jane Smith, who has her troubles with new-fangled 
ne4^ons. 



€ CI.D 23526 



<< 



Spriggins' 'Quiet' Afternoon' 



Scene — Sitting room in fanner Spriggin's home. Couch r 
chairs, table, etc. 

(Enter John Spriggins, throwing hat on table and drop- 
ping into chair.) 

Spriggins — There, by George, harvesting is done for an- 
other year and this afternoon I'm goin ' to do what 1 ain't 
had a minute's chance to do for the past two months — take- 
a rest. Gettin' up at daylight and pegging away at top 
speed until Dine o'clock at night day in and day out ain't 
exactly what one might call a vacation. 
(Enter Mrs. Spriggins.) 

Mrs. Spriggins — Well, I declare, John, it dues seem 
strange enough to see you sitting down in here doin ' noth- 
in ', after the way you've been hustling around for the past. 
two months. 

Spriggins — I'll bet it does and I made up my mind that 
I'm goin' to take a rest this afternoon just to see how it 
seems once more. Where are them slippers of mine? 

Mrs. Spriggins — Right here, John. I'll get them 
for you. (Gets slippers from corner and brings them 
to Spriggens, who removes boots and puts on slippers.) 

Sprig. — There! Now I hope I won 't be bothered for I 
feel clean tuckered out. (Opens paper, puts feet out a chair 
and begins to read.) (Knock heard outside.) 

Mrs. Sprig. : — For the lands sake! I wonder who that is.. 

Sprig. — Don't know. Nobody that wants anything of 
me, I hope. 

Mrs. Sprig. — Come in! 

(Enter Sam Smalley.) 

Smalley — Howdy Mrs. Spriggins. Hello John, playing; 
gentleman this afternoon, eh I 



4 SPEIGGINS' "Q\ T IET" AFTERNOON 

Sprig. — Yes, thought I'd try it bein ' as it's the first 
chance 1 've had in two months. 

Smalley — I want to know. Been sort o' busy, eh? 

Sprig. — Well some. Fannin' on a place o' this size keens 
a feller on the jump pretty constant. 

Smalley — Yaas, I suppose so. but now mat the rush is 
■over. You'll have a let up. 

Sprig. — I kin stand it. 

Smalley — Wish I could take a rest, too, but as soon as 
harvest is over it seems as if there's a hundred and one 
other things that needs doin' right away. 

Sprig. — Yes, that's so, but I'm goin ' to let some of 
'em go for a day or two anyway. 

Smalley — Sorry to hear you say that just now because 
I came over to see if you would swap work with me tomor- 
row. 

Sprig. — What have you got to do? 

Smalley— Building my part of the line fence between 
me and Ex. Orpen. It's gettin ' pretty rickity and my cattle 
got over into his corn once this ?ummer. 

Sprig. — All right, Sam, I'll be over and I '11 .just charge 
that day up against you to be paid off at corn husking 
time. 

Small. — All right, John. Bring your hammer and saw 
and your appetite. I'm goin' to assassinate a pullet or two 
this afternoon and the women folks baked up this morning 
so I guess we'll have enough to stay our stomachs. Have 
your wife come over with you and bring her knitting work. 

Sprig. — I'll let ma speak for herself, but I guess likely 
you '11 find her on hand. 

Mrs. Sprig. — Yes, Sam. I'll be there, although I haven't 
been out anywhere in so long that I probably \ cn't know 
how to act. 

Small.— Much obliged to you both. I'll go back now, 
hook up the team and draw a load or two of posts before 
milking time. (Exit Smalley.) 



SPRIGGINS ' < ' QUI ET ' ' AFTERNOON 5 

fSprig. — Lucky for him he didn 't want me to help him 
♦this afternoon. If he had, I VI just had to tell him no. I 
ain't goin ; to let nothhi' or nobody budge me off the place 
today. 

Mrs. Sprig.— That 's right, John, and I'll go out and 
iron a dress to wear over there tomorrow and you can read 
or sleep, just as you want to (Exit Mrs. Sprig.) 

Sprig. — (Resuming paper). Haven't had a chance to 
read in so long that I dnnno but I've forgot how. (Reads 
in silence. 

(Knock heard outside.) 
Sprig. — Hello! Somebody else. Wonder what's wanted 
' I 'onto in. 

(Enter Lucretia Gray.) 
iLucretia — How de do, Mr. Spriggins. 
Sprig. — How de do, Lucretia. 
Lucretia — Didn't expect to find you here. 
Sprig. — No, don't suppose you did, bein ' as it's so 
seldom I have a chance to be here. Kinder tak'ni' ;i little 
vacation this afternoon. 

Lucretia — Well, I don't blame you. Ain't no sense in 
your working all the time. Where's Mrs. Spriggins. 

Sprig. — Out in the kitchen, I guess. I'll call her. (Goes 
to door and call "Martha"!) 

Mrs. Sprig. — (Heard outside). All right, John, be 
iright there, 

(Enter Mrs. Spriggins.) 
Lucretia — How de do, Mrs. Spriggins. 
Mrs. Sprig. — Why how de do, Lucretia. When did you 
•come in? I didn't hear you. 

Lucretia — Game a moment ago but I can't stay. Just 
•dropped in to see if you would make a chicken pie for the 
supper down to the church next week. 

Mrs. Sprig. — Yes, I'll try to if John will kill the chick- 
ens and I guess he will. 

Sprig. — AH right, ma. if you don't want it done this 



(j SPRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 

after noon. Can't let anything interfere with my vacation 
von know. 

Lucretia — No, we don "t want them until next week. 
but; I am not through begging yet. We are asking the men 
folks for money to buy the minister a new buggy. The one 
he rides in now is so ramshacklety that it's a disgrace to- 
the congregation to have him use it. 

Sprig — Yes, guess he needs it all right. Here's a dol- 
lar. Will that dot (Hands money.) 

Lucretia— Yes, very nicely and it's a good deal more'n 
1 got in lots of places. 

Sprig. — Think you'd have better luck if you was sellm" 
raffle tickets? 

Lucretia — With some folks I would. Now I'm goin " 
over to Squire Dorman's and if I get anything there I'll 
be the most surprised woman your ever saw. The last time 
I asked him for money to help buy a new; parlor carpet for 
the parsonage he said he'd give fifty cents if they'd give 
him the old carpet to make over into rugs for his sitting 
room. 

Sprig. — I want to know. The Squire ain 't what you 
might call a philanthropist is hef 

Lucretia — No, not 'thout you stretched the truth all out 
of shape a sayin' it. 

Sprig. — Well, I allers figger to give the domouie a lit- 
tle lift when I think he really needs it and I guess that 's 
most of the time. 

Lucretia— Lots of others don't think that way. If they 
did we wouldn't be owin ' him $25 on last year's salary. 
But I must be goin ', because I 've got a good many to see- 
and I'll probably have to see some of 'em several times 
before I get anything out of 'em. Much obliged for the 
dollar and the chicken. (Exit Lucretia and Mrs. Sprig 
gins.) 

Sprig.— Ain 't makin' a very good start toward a quiet 



SPBIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 7 

afternoon. Hope there won 't lie nobody else here loo kin ' fur 
me. (Resumes reading.) 

(Knock at door.) 

Sprig. — Well by peppermint! Who on earth's coming 
now. Gome in! 

( Enter Cy Hollister.) 

Cy. — Hated to disturb you. John, but I had to. Old 
Brindle row's got fust in the wire fence and I've been 
tryin' for half an hour to get her out, but can't do it. 
Every time I think 1 've got her most loose she begins to 
jump around and gets more tangled up than ever. 

Sprig. — She's always gettin' into some such mess as 
that. 1 made up my mind that I was go in ' to have a rest 
this afternoon and 1 in goin ' to do it if she stays there 
'till mornin '. 

Cy — She's your cow. Yon kin leave her there if you 
■"want to but if you do we'll have a carcass to skin tomor- 
row. 

Sprig. — Billy Perkins is out in the back yard chopping 
wood. Get him to help you. 

Cy— Bill Perkins! 1 'd as soon have an Indian cigar 
sign tryin' to help. I'll make another try of it alone and 
if 1 can't make it, I'll leave her. 

Sprig. — 1 il tell you how to git her loose. Go out in 
the barn, git then: nippers layin ' on the work bench and 
•eut the wire. 

Cy— By jocks, that's so. Never thought of it. That'll 
■do the business. Guess the old cow's hide won't be turned 
into loathe 1 ' for automobile seats right away after all. 
( Exit Cy.) 

Sprig. — Wouldn't have let the old cow give up the 
■ghost for want of my help but I thought Cy could get her 
•out of the scrape alone if I done the thinkin' for him. Cy 
never iikes to overwork that brain of hissen. (Resumes 
seat.) Now let's see. where was i ?. Ah, yes, that market 
report. 7'11-tnk; another whack at tryin' to read it. Reads.) 



8 SPRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 

(Knock heard.) 

Sprig — Jerusalem fishhooks! Somebody eise ; Guess 1 V? 
got moTe rest if I'd kept on working. Come iul 

(Enter Mary Jane Smith.) 

Sprig. — Well, Mary, what 's the matter / 

Mary — Lots of things is the matter. Mrs. Spriggins- 
wanted some bakin' done and when I went to shake that 
new stove so 's to have a good, hot fire them eut-in-two-in- 
the-middle grates got stuck and near dumped the whole 
fire. I can't turn 'em any further to save my neck. 

Sprigs — Probably got a clinker in between 'em. Have 
you tried turnia ' "em backwards. 

Mary Jane — Nope. Sposed they was only meant to go 
frontwards. Seems as if I was windin ' the tire up every 
time I used 'em anyway. 

Sprig. — Well if you don't git 'em back where they be- 
long right away, you'll find you've wound the fire out in- 
stead of up. Give 'em one turn backwards and I guess 
they'll go in place. 

Mary Jane — All right I'll try it, but when I git a man 
you can bet he'll buy me things there's some sense to. I'll 
begin to inquire what them divorces cost if he gits his mind 
sot on fillin ' up the house with them new-fangled stoves and 
things what takes a machinist to run 'em. 

Sprig. — That's right, Mary; make him toe the mark, 
but now go out into the kitchen and get things goin ' be- 
cause we don't want a cold supper. 

Mary — I won 't take none of the blame if it is cold. 
I didn't hire out to be an engineer. With hearth drafts, 
and lid drafts and top drafts and pipe drafts, and goodness 
only knows how many other drafts, it needs a eollege eourse 
to learn how to run one of them stoves. (Exit Mary Jane.) 

Sprig. — What troubles we girls do have. Guess when 
Mary gets a man, the divorce hunting will be on the other 
side unless she softens her temper a little, A quiet after- 



SPHIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON » 

noon. It's been everything else so far. Well, I '1 try once 
more to read that paper. (Reads.) 

(Enter Billy Spriggins.) 

Billy — Hello, pop, what you doin' in here? Been lsokin r 
all over for you. 

Sprig.— Try in ' to get a few hours rest, Billy. What do 
you want? 

Billy — Want you to fix my bicycle. 

Sprig. — Can't fix any bicycles today, Billy, this is my 
afternoon off. 

Billy — Oh, eoine on, pop. It '11 only take a minute. 

Sprig. — No, Billy. I'm too well acquainted with those 
minutes of yours. 

Billy — Come on, this job won't take more*n half a 
minute. 

Sprig. — What's the matter with the bicycle. 

Billy— Got. a tack in the tire. 

Sprig. — Why, Billy, you can fix that yourself. 

Billy— No, I can't. 

Sprig. — You try it. Wind some tape around the tire. 
That'll hold it until I can put in a plug for you. 

Billy— All right, pop, I'll try it but I don't believe I 
can do it. 

Sprig. — You '11 have to. It '11 hold until tomorrow, 

Billy — If it don't, will you fix it this afternoon? 

Sprig — Yes, Billy, I'll agree to that. 

Billy — I can see where you've got a job coming to you. 
(Exit Billy.) 

Sprig. — Well, I declare, I wonder what the next bothera- 
tion will be. It does seem that the fates are against my 
resting my bones for a few hours. I've tried a half dozen 
times to read that paper and haven't been able to do it. 
Mebbe if I try taking a nap it will break the spell. I'll 
just take a chance at it anyway. (Sits in chair, places feet 
on another and prepares to sleep. In a short while a knock 
is heard.) 



10 SFHIGGINS' " QUIET 1 " AFTERNOON 

Sprig. — (partially rises and looks toward door.) What. 
■someone else. This certainly would exhaust the patience of 
Job. I believe I won't answer. I don't care who it is, I 
don 't want to see them. (Settles back in chair. Knock is 
lieard several times. Spriggins pays no attention to it. Knock 
becomes louder and louder. Finally Spriggins jumps from 
•chair and soys: "Come in.'*) 

(Enter Glib T. Alker.) 

Glib. — How do you do. Mr. Spriggins I believe. 

Sprig — Yes. what 's left of me. What do you want ? 

Glib. — I understood you are not very busy this after- 
noon and I came to have a talk with you. 

Sprig. — Not very busy! So .far it's been the busiest 
afternoon I've had in years. I don't want to be sassy or 
impolite young man but just now the man whose conversa- 
tion interests me the most is the man who don't say a 
word. T 'm trying to get a few hours rest. 

Glib. — You can rest and listen to what I have to say 
at The same time and when I've finished you will thank me 
for having called. 

Sprig.— Ail right, fire away, but make it short. 

Glib. — (Taking book from pocket). Mr. Spriggins. T 
have here one of the most valuable works ever written on — 

Sprig. — A book agent! Save your wind young feller. I 
ain 't in a book buying mood today. Wouldn 't give you a 
<-ent a carload for 'em, no matter what they are. 

Glib. — Let me explain. This isn 't an ordinary book. 
We canvass for it only among the more intelligent farm- 
ers, men of good judgment who can appreciate a really 
valuable work. That is the reason I came here. 

Sprig. (Pleased by the flattery) — Well, perhaps, after 
all it's worth looking at. What is there about it? 

Glib. — It is entitled "The Sour Crab Apple, its Culture, 
Uses and Abuses." 

Sprig. — Crab apples! Enough! Every man in this sec- 



SPRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 11 

taon who own? an axe knows what to do with a sour crab 
apple tree. 

Glib. — Wrong, Mr. Sprigging. There is where they make 
their mistake. Properly cared for, it is a most valuable tree. 
Now take this chapter for instance (opening book and point- 
ing). "How to prevent warts on the crab apple." This 
alone is worth the price of the book. 

Sprig. — I'd be more interested in a chapter tellin' how 
to put more warts on 'em. 

Glib. — Here's another chapter tellin 7 how to grow the 
■crab apple to a size where it will do for judicious mixing 
with the Swaars, Greenings and Pippins the farmer sells to. 
liis city cousin. 

Sprig. — More sense to that chapter. 

Glib. — Yes, indeed, they are all sensible and tell how to 
realize a handsome profit each year from this now despised, 
tree, the tree that grows in an out of the way place on the 
farm, that receives no attention, that simply needs a little 
encouragement to show its owner that it is capable of bet- 
ter things, that — ■ 

Sprig. — Hold on. young feller, hold on, first thing [ 
know you'll have me believing that them ornery trees grow 
gold nuggets, and in that case 1 'd go out, pluck one crop, 
«ell 'em, become one of them malefactors of great wealth, 
sit down and just rust out. Nothin ' doin' in the book line 
ihere today. Go on to the next house and call on Jabez Grip- 
pin. No doubt he'll buy one. 

Glib. — He will not buy one for he has already placed his 
name on my list and, Mr. Spriggins I don't know but I'll 
have to believe there's some truth in what he said about 
you. 

Sprig. — That old scandal monger been talk-in' about me! 
What did he say? 

Glib. — Really, Mr. Spriggins, I don't like to repeat it 
and since you don't care for the book I don't see the neces- 



VI SPKIGGINS' <' QUIET" AFTERNOON 

sity of doing so. Good day.. (Starts for door. Sprig, grabs 
him by arm and pulls him back.) 

Sprig. — What did old Crippen say about me 1 You 've 
started this thing and you might as well finish it. 

Glib. — Well, since you insist, he said you are the clos- 
est, stingiest, most grasping man in this neighborhood and 
that the reason you don't buy books is because you can't 
read a word of more than four letters without stopping to- 
spell it out. 

Sprig. — (Excitedly.) What's thatf Said I am stingy 
and can't read a word of more than four letters without 
stopping to spell it out? Did Jabe Crippen say that? 

Glib.— Well, perhaps it wasn't in those exact words, but 
that was the sense of it. 

Sprig. — It was, hey? Say young feller what do them 
books cost? 

Glib. — In cloth binding $1.50 each, in half morocco^, 
$2.50, in full morocco, $3.50.. 

Sprig. — What sort did old Crippen buy? 

Glib. — He bought one bound in cloth. 

Sprig. — 1 thought so. Cheapest thing he could get. And! 
him talking about me being stingy, that bow-legged, squint- 
eyed, bald-headed old freak of nature. Young feller, put me 
down for one of them books at $3.50 and if you've got one 
that costs more, give me that. 

Glib. — All right, Mr. Spriggins, thank you. I haven't 
anything more expensive- 
Sprig — I'm sorry you haven't. But, say? I'll make 
you an offer. If you'll agree to go back and tell that old 
fossil what I've bought, I'll take two of them &3.50 books. 

Glib. — All right, Mr. Spriggins.. Would you like to pay 
for them now or on delivery. 

Sprig. — You write me out a receipt and I 'II pay you 
for 'em now. Show him the receipt too. 

Glib. — Yes, sir, Mr. Spriggins. I'll do it. Writes re- 
ceipt, hands it to Sprig who passes over the money..) 



SPBIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 13 

Glib. — Thank you very much, Mr. Spriggins. T felt sure 
Mr. Orippen had misrepresented yon. Good day. 

Sprig.— 7-Good day, and don 't you forget to show him 
that receipt. 

Glib. — No sir, I won't. (Aside.) I thought that would 
land him. More than one way to catch a fish. (Exit Glib.) 

Sprig. — (Walking the floor.) Drat Jabe Crippen's pic- 
ture. What have j. ever done to him that he should talk 
about me like thai, I wonder. By jocks, I knew it. He's 
hot under the collar because I beat h'n out for constable 
last fall. At the time he told me he didn't want it and was 
glad I was elected. And all the while he w.iis madder 'ix. 
a, hatter about it. I'll just go over there an", have it out 
with him. I'll tell him a few things he won't forget in an 
hurry, (Puts on boots, takes hat and exits.) 
(Enter Mrs. Spriggins.) 

Mrs. Sprig". — John seems to have changed his mind alB 
of a sudd-en about taking a rest. Just went hustling out 
■doors and didn't answer me when I asked him where he is 
going. I wonder what's the matter. Mebbe he's had so- 
many interruptions this afternoon that he has made up his^ 
mind that he can't get any rest after all. 

(Knock heard.) ; 0* 

Mrs. Sprig. — Come in! j 

(Enter Benoni Green, with suit case in huadlj? 

Benoni — How do you do. Madam. Is Mr. Sprigging" at 
'home ? 

Mrs. Sprig. — I don't know whether he is out ia the 
yard or not. 

Benoni — I just saw a man hurrying 'cross lots toward 
the next house. Perhaps that was him. 

Mrs. Sprig. — I think very likely it was but he will be 
back shortly. Won't you sit down and wait? What dii 
you want to see him about? 

Benoni — (Sitting). I am canvassing for one of the 
greatest inventions of the age, the patent double back action, 



14 SPRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 

reflex, non-twistable, non-destructable lightning- rod. With 
each rod we issue an insurance policy for an amount double 
the value of the building to which the rod is attached. In 
ease the building is struck by lightning and burns, we pay 
the policy and furnish free rods for the building erected in 
its place. 

Mrs. Sprig. — Sounds fair enough. 

Benoni — Surely it does. And it is fair. There isn 't 
another company making the same offer. Would you like 
to see this sample. (Points to case.) 

Mrs. Sprig. — No. I guess not. I wouldn't know any 
more about it after I had seen it Than T do now. 
(Knock heard.) 

Mrs. Sprig. — < 'ome in. 
\'% (Enter Jabez Crippen.) 

Mrs. Sprig. — How do you do Jabez. 

Jabez — How do you do, Mrs. Spriggins. Where's John? 

Mrs, Sprig. — I don't know but this young man says he 
saw him going cross lots over toward your house. 

Jabez — That 's where I missed him, I came around the 
road. What's he got again' me! I've heara he's been say- 
ing a lot of mean things about me and I've eonie over to see 
about it. 

Mrs. Sprig. — Against you? You must be mistaken. Ju- 
lie/. I never heard him say a word except in your favor. 

Jabez — Well he has. I know it. It come straight. 

Mrs. Sprig. — There's some mistake about this. T 'If j^o 
;and see if I can find him. 

(Exit Mrs. Sprig.) 
r Bencni — Are you the man who owns that nice plaee 
next to this one? 

Jabez— (Shortly) Yes. What of it ? 

Bencni — Nothing, only I admired it as I came by. and 
1 was thinking what a shame it would be to have those hand- 
some buildings destroyed by lightning. They ought to be 
equipped with lightning rods. 



8PRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 15 

Jabe. — They've stood there for forty years and have 
never been destroyed yet and we've had some pretty sharp 
lightning during that time. 

Benoni — Tme, Mr. Crippen. You've lived a good many 
years and haven't died yet but you will, some day. 

Jabez — I suppose so but stickin' a lightnin' rod down 
alongside my backbone wouldn't prevent it. 

Benoni — But putting a lightning rod on your buildings 
this double back action, reflex, non-twistable, non-destructa- 
tliis double back action, reflex, nontwistable, non-destructa- 
ble rod I'm selling. (Starts to open suit ease.) 

Jabez — Keep that satchel shut. I don't want to see 
no rods. So your an agent be you? Well, don't waste your 
time talking to me, 1 wouldn't buy gold dollars of you 
for fifty cents. 1 've had experiences enough with agents 
for one day. 

Benoni — But, Mr. Crippen, this rod is different. And 
with every rod goes an insurance policy that — 

Jabe — Shut up! I don't want to hear anything about 
it. 1 don 't care what you 've got. I don 't want any. Is 
that plain? 

Benoni — Yes. fairly so. but you '11 remember what I said 
if your buildings are destroyed during a heavy thunder- 
shower. 

Jabez — P'raps X wdll but I'll take the chances. You'll 
find the door right over there. (Points to door.) 

Benoni — I want to know. Let me tell you Mr. Man, 
that I'll go through that door when I get good and ready 
and not before. 

Jabez — Better hurry and get ready or I may have to 
help you make up your mind. 

Benoni — Say, mister, you'd better take something for 
your liver. It's all out of whack. 

Jabez — Mebbe 'tis, but there hain't nothin ' the mat- 
ter with this here toot. (Shakes foot at Benoni and then 
chases him off stage.) 



16 SPRIGGINS' "QUIET" AFTERNOON 

(Enter Spriggins.) 

Sprig. — You here! I've a mind to order you out of the 
•house. 

Jabez — Well you'd better wi'-t until you've explained 
what you mean by calling me a raflo-brained old idiot. 
Sprig, — Who? Me? 

Jabez — Yes. you. That 's what you said. 
Sprig. — Well about the same time you'd better explain 
what you meant by saying that I'm the stingiest man in 
this neighborhood and can't read a word of more than four 
letters without stopping to spell it out. 

Jabez— Who! Me? ( 

Sprig. — Yes, yen. 

Jabez — I never said it. 

Sprig. — You didn 't .' 

Jabez — No, I didn't? 

.Sprig. — And I didn't call you a rattle-braided old idiot. 

Jabez — You didn 't \ 

Sprig — No, 1 didn 't. 

Jabez — Who said I did .' 
:Sprig.— Who said I did? 

Jabez — That booh agent. 

Sprig. — Same feller who told me <vhat you said. 
.Jabez — John. 

Sprig.- — Yes? 

/abez — Two fellows have been took in. I'm one. 

Sprig.— And I'm the other. 

Jabez — How many books did you buy? 

Sprig.—- Two. How many did he sell you? 

Jabez — Four. 

Sprig. — Full morocco .' 

Jabez — Full morocec. Tie told me you bought three. 

Sprig. — Pay him in advance? 

Jabez — Yes. 

Sprig.— So did I. 

Jabez — John, we're a pair of old fools. 



3PRIGGINS' ■"•QUIET'™ AFTERNOON 17 

Sprig. — You don't need your other guess. 

Jal>ez — We'll never see him nor the books. 

Sprig. — Right again. 

Jabez — Under some circumstances assault and battery- 
are justifiable. Now if by an chance he should come back — 

Sprig.— Say. if you need any help just telephone me. 

Jabez — All right although if I'm keyed up as I am 
•now I can do the job alone in good, shape. 

Sprig.— So could I. 

Jabez — Put : or there, John. (They shake hands.) 

Sprig. — Now let 's agree to set the dog on the next agent 
that shows his face in these parts. 

Jabez — It's a bargain. I must be gettin' baek home 
now 'cause it '11 soon be chore time. (Exit Jabez.) 

Sprig. — If this is a quiet afternoon, I don't want no 
•experience with one when there is something doing. Mebbe, 
though. I can get a few minutes rest before milkin' time. 
It don't seem that any other botheration could possibly 
happen. (Sits and begins to read.) (Knock heard.) 

Sprig. — Well, for the love of Moses, what next? Come 
in. (Enter Cy Hollister.) 

Cy — Say. John, got to bother you once more. When I 
got the old cow out of the fence I found one foot eut pretty 
bad and the cut filled with dirt. What shall I do about it? 

Sprig — Wash the cut with warm water and put on a 
bandage. Anything else the matter with her? 

Cy — Not to amount to anything. A few little scratches. 

Sprig. — T guess she'll come out all right. 

Cy — Yep, I guess so. (Exit Cy.) 

(Enter Billy.) 

Billy— Say. pa, you said if I couldn't fix that bicycle 
lire, you 'd come out and do it. I 've been working at it 
■ever since I went out and I can't make it hold wind. 

Sprig. — Well, what next? 

Billy — Punno, pa, ^less perhaps the other tire '11 bust 
<£oo. 



18 SPRIGGINS' ••QUIET"' AFTERNOON 

Sprig. — 7 moan what will be the next botheration. 

Billy — Pshaw, that ain't no botheration. It'll only- 
take a minute. (Enter Mrs. Sprigging) 

Mrs. Sprig. — John, I wish you'd go out and kill a 
chicken. If we're goin ' over to Sam Smalley's tomorrow, T 
want to leave something cooked for Cy and Billy. 

Sprig. — Eor goodness sake, ain't there nobody around 
this place that can kill a chicken but mef Ain't I told 
you half a dozen times. I'm trying to take a rest this after- 
noon? 

Mrs. Sprig— Yes I know you are, but Cy is busy and 
Billy makes such bungling work of chopping off a chicken's 
head. 

Sprig. — Well, I suppose I can do it. 

(Enter Mary .lane.) 

Mary Jane — Mr. Sprigging I hold up both hands and 
one foot. (Holds up hands and foot.) That there stove has 
got me stopped. 

Sprig. — And I presume likely you've got the stove* 
stopped and I've got to build another fire. 

Mary Jane — You must a went to guessin ' school. You> 
hit it first crack. 

Sprig — Did anyone ever see anything like it? 

Mary Jane — Nope, guess not. It's the most worthless,, 
no-account stove I ever saw. 

Sprig. — 1 ain't talkin ' about the stove. I mean the way 
I've been bothered this afternoon when I'm trying to take 
a rest. 

Mary Jane — Don't know nothin' about that. I know 
I ain't had no rest this afternoon and don't expect any 
as long as I've got to rassle with that stove. Be you a 
eomin' out to see what's the matter with it and build a new- 
fire? 

Sprig. — Suppose I '11 have to. 

Mary Jane — Correct. 

(Knock outside.) 



SPRIGGINS' " QUIET" AFTERNOON 19 

Mrs. Spriggins — Come in. 

(Enter Lucretia Gray.) 
Lucretia — How de do once more. I came to see if I 
could get Mr. Spriggins to do me another favor. 

Sprig. — (Aside). I expected it. The whole neighbor- 
hood will want something before night. 
Mrs. Sprig. — I guess so, what is it? 

Lucretia — I'm wonderin if he would K*»h up a horse 
and go around this afternoon and collect some of the things 
that have been given me for the church. 

Sprig. — No. Lucretia, I won't. Everyone you see stand- 
ing here wants me to do something for them and wants it 
done right away. By the time I get through it'll be bed 
time I guess. 

Lucretia — When I was in here before you wasn't doing 
anything and I thought possibly you'd just as leave hook up 
and drive around as not. 

Sprig.— I've been tryin' to get a little rest and its 
been the busiest afternoon I ever put in. If tomorrow morn- 
in' will do for that collecting trip, I'll send Cy or Billy. 

Lucretia — Yes, anytime tomorrow will do and I'm very 
much obliged to you. 

(Enters Cy Hollister.) 
Cy_Say, John, I've got that bandage on the old cow's 
foot and now I want you to help me — 

Sprig. — Never mind what you want, I don't care what 
sort of a mess you're in, you must get out of it the best 
way you can. Was ever a man so plagued? It seems as if 
the whole of you had conspired to prevent me from resting 
my weary bones for a little while. I'll kill that chicken 
and start that fire but I'll do no more jobs for anyone else 
this afternoon. Is that plain? The next time I set out to 
rest I'll charter a balloon that's guaranteed to stay off the 
earth for at least one afternoon. (Exit Spriggins.) 

Lucretia— How little it takes to upset these men folks, 

don't it? 

(CURTAIN.) 



&A6S 8 * s! * 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



ft 




. irr/VRY OF CONGRESS 

■■■■If 



